You Get One Call
by Life Returns
Summary: Tsuzuki's been busted for a crime he didn't commit. Now Watari's his lawyer, and if they lose the appeal, Tsuzuki gets life sentence. And that would be...FOREVER.


Disclaimer: I own nothing! NOTHING!

"Office life is so boring."

Yep. Tsuzuki was complaining.

Hisoka hit him on the head with a newspaper. "You could be working in garbage disposal."

Tsuzuki thought for a minute. "Yeah, you're right. I'm more fit for garbage disposal."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I WAS TRYING TO GET YOU TO SHUT UP!"

"It's just that chasing Muraki gets so BORING, especially when we can't ever catch him!"

"Whose fault is that?" called Hajime as he passed.

"SHUT UP!" Tsuzuki threw a vase at him.

"THAT'S MY VASE!" yelled Tatsumi.

"Oops."

Hisoka sighed. "When you're done being stupid, I'll come back."

Tatsumi adjusted his glasses. "The Gushoshin were right. You're a horrible, destructive person at the point of no return, and on top of that you're insane."

"The Gushoshin said that?"

"Well, Watari said the last part."

Watari popped out of nowhere. "That's right, baby!"

"Please don't call me that or I'll have to dock your pay."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Tsuzuki waved his hand in the air. "I'M the one who should be worried about that, you mechanic engineer!"

"That was a horrible insult," said Tatsumi.

Watari was crying. "You're an awful person! I hate you!"

There was complete silence.

Hajime passed again. "I'm pretty sure everyone does."

A random person at the Bureau walked by. "Hey Hajime, I'll bet 500 yen on tomorrow."

"Alright, sucker!"

"What's this about betting?" asked Tatsumi dangerously.

Hajime fidgeted a bit. "Well, you see, I set up an office pool on um…when Tsuzuki gets fired."

Tsuzuki started to cry. Watari laughed triumphantly. "You didn't even make him cry," said the Gushoshin dryly.

"So what?"

Tsuzuki ran out of the room screaming, "I'll get you for this!"

Hisoka came back in. "Wow, it's smart in here!"

There was complete silence.

"What?" Hisoka looked around. "Oh wait. Watari's still here."

Watari ran out of the room crying.

"There. NOW it's smart in here," said Tatsumi.

"Indeed," said the Gushoshin.

In the mortal plane, Tsuzuki sat on a bench crying, not really paying attention to the fact that he was not in "ghost mode" and everyone could see him and they were all staring at him weird.

"I feel sad," said Tsuzuki to a random old guy.

The old guy looked at him strangely. "Well…it's okay to be in touch with your emotions…I guess…"

"Hey look, Mom! He's hot!" said a random six-year-old.

Tsuzuki's eye twitched.

Suddenly the building behind him exploded into flames. Tsuzuki was the only one not thrown back or stabbed by random bits of shrapnel.

"Wow, that's inconvenient," said a random passerby. "Oh wait a minute. I'm a fireman. Oh well!" He shrugged and went on his way.

Tsuzuki sighed. "Humans are stupid."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! He's not human!" screamed a random person.

"Well, duh. That's obvious. No human could be so good-looking," said another random person.

"I am," said an extremely ugly person.

"NO YOU'RE NOT," yelled everyone on the street.

The police showed up in a puff of smoke that smelled like fresh cut spring flowers spewing over a babbling brook with a hint of lemon. (A/N: I don't own that phrase. I used to watch Ed, Edd n Eddy, and that's the only line I remember.)

Tsuzuki waved. "Hi!"

The police looked around. "This is arson!" barked one.

"Yes!" barked another.

"Woof!" barked the third.

"NO, BILLY!" shouted all of them. But it was too late. Billy ran straight into the fire and incinerated himself.

"OH MY GOD! BILLY!" shouted the first one. Let's name him Joe.

"You! You killed Billy!" accused the second one, Jack.

"No I didn't," said Tsuzuki. "And I didn't set that fire either."

"That's too suspicious! You're coming with us, sir!"

"No, wait! I didn't do anything! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Tsuzuki as he was dragged away.

"You have the right to remain silent!"

"I have the right, but I don't have the ability," said Tsuzuki sadly.

"TOO BAD, SUCKER."

Once they dragged him to the police station, the chief, who looked an awful lot like Elder Toguro from YuYu Hakusho, said, "Do you have proof?"

Jack proudly said, "We all saw him kill Billy, and he said that _he didn't set the fire!_"

"So?" asked Chief Toguro.

"WELL, that obviously means he did."

"Oh my god! I see your logic now!" said the chief. "Take him away, boys."

So the put Tsuzuki in stripes and tossed him into a cell.

"Um, can I get a phone call to call my lawyer?"

"YOU GET ONE CALL," said the maintenance droid(?).

"What the hell is that thing?"

"That's our maintenance droid. He doesn't exist yet, but when the year 4002 comes we'll be ready for him!"

Tsuzuki did not even bother to try to figure that one out.

So he picked up the phone and dialed.

He was not happy with who answered.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey, Watari here!"

"You are supposed to answer the phone with the phrase 'moshimoshi,'" said Tsuzuki.

"Oh, shut up. Whaddaya want?"

"Is Tatsumi there?"

"No."

"Will he be back in less than…" Tsuzuki checked the maintenance droid's timer. "…a minute?"

"No."

"Dammit! Is ANYONE there?"

"…Nope."

"Well then. I hate to ask you this, but…will you be my lawyer?"

"Your…your LAWYER? What did you do this time?"

"Nothing! But these stupid American police think that I committed arson and killed their officer Billy! But the weird thing is that Billy was a dog in a police suit! And now I'm stuck in jail unless I get a lawyer."

"Wait, why are there American dog police in Japan?"

"No clue. THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW!"

"Sorry! Okay, I'll be your lawyer!"

As Tsuzuki hung up with 5 seconds left, he heard "Welcome back, Tatsumi." He screamed in agony.

"You get a lawyer, punk?"

"Yeah, a blond chick with glasses," lied Tsuzuki. _He looks like a girl, anyway,_ was his evil thought.

That night he tried to summon Suzaku, Byakko _and_ Touda. None of them could break the walls, and then he cried until Touda promised not to hurt him.

I believe his exact words were, "Fine, I won't kill you, just stop praying to Buddha in Gaelic! You're making my head explode!"

Of course, Tsuzuki wasn't praying to Buddha in Gaelic, but who cares?

So after Touda left, Tsuzuki sat in a corner and proceeded to fall asleep, mumbling things about pillows with teeth and "my puppy's best bone."

Yeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

He was rudely awakened by the fourth cop, Bob. "Hey, your hot lawyer is here," said Bob.

"What are you—" He stopped as Watari showed up. "Oh yeah."

Watari frowned. "You don't look very happy to see me."

"Well, of course not. You are quite possibly the worst negotiator in the world."

Watari crawled into the corner. "Just kill me now!"

"You're already dead!"

"And after I brought you these pork buns! Oh, I guess I'll go back home and leave you here to rot…WITH NO PORK BUNS!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Stay, Watari! I love pork buns!"

"I love YOUR buns!" said Bob to Watari. Watari bitchslapped him.

"Now that that's over, let's go over the evidence," said Tsuzuki.

"That's MY line. I AM the lawyer."

"…Okay."

"So anyway, according to this police report, you burned down a building and then you pushed Billy into the flames, screamed 'Die bitch die,' laughed maniacally for about half an hour, had tea, ate a bowl of corn flakes, and posed like a supermodel."

"NO!"

"Yeah, that sounds more like Tatsumi when he's drunk."

Tsuzuki twitched.

"Um, sorry. It happened at my death day party last year."

"Why wasn't I invited?"

"You were the only one I didn't invite…I invited Yuma AND Saya AND the kid AND Hajime. That was a mistake, seeming as Yuma hugged him on sight and he turned into a giant rampaging monster and crushed that hot researcher chick."

"What hot researcher chick?"

"Exactly."

"But seriously, why wasn't I invited?"

"Um, it was during that time when the kid locked you in the closet so I didn't bother sending you an invitation because well, it would have been cruel to invite you to something you couldn't come to."

Tsuzuki punched him in the head.

"So what happened, in your own words?"

"Well, I was talking to a rather pleasant elderly woman, or was it a man? Oh screw it. I was talking to an elderly hermaphrodite when all of a sudden the building behind me burst into flames, and I heard someone scream 'Damn you, Kimbley, you crazy arsonist!' Of course, that was just someone watching Fullmetal Alchemist. But then I heard a laugh…a laughing laugh that could only be the laugh of…AN AMERICAN WEASEL. Ummm…I mean…Muraki. Yeah. And then Billy ran into the fire and incinerated himself. I tried to tell them it wasn't me but they seemed to think that was a confession, so they dragged me in, and here I am."

"Why was someone watching Fullmetal Alchemist at a time like that?"

"WHO CARES? The point is that I'M IN JAIL AND I'LL BE BAGGED FOR MURDER AND ARSON IF I DON'T WIN THE APPEAL!"

"Murder and arson? Isn't that life sentence?"

"EXACTLY! I LIVE FOREVER!"

"Wow, that is bad," said Watari. "If you'd told me that, I wouldn't have come."

"That's exactly why I didn't tell you."

"You suck."

"…Stop talking."

"Oh, by the way, am I getting paid for this? Because I have NO intention of being your lawyer without being paid."

"What do you think? I never have any cash."

"Damn it."

Just then, Jack walked in. "Hey, bub. Your appeal is starting in half an hour."

**To be continued…**

**Hey! I hope you liked it! Good-bye, readers! Don't forget: giraffes like cheese!**


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